Spam Unwelcome
by PhoenixPadfoot89
Summary: Harry Potter characters send each other e-mails that humiliate, embarress, and hopefully make you laugh
1. Ron

Summery: Harry Potter characters write each other e-mails in which they embarrass, humiliate, and amuse other characters. 

Date: January 17, 2004

A/N: Ok, I've read a bunch of fics where they do e-mails, and I decided to try it too. I wasn't intending on publishing this, but I suddenly decided to. I'm also uploading a couple more chapters, but you might not be able to read them. If you want to get to them, what you do is go to the URL , and type in chapter=2  and then put either a ? or a / after the number. It should work.

I feel so guilty for publishing a story when I should be updating others, but I felt like it, and that's my only defense!

Before I forget, here's my disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, but I intend on creating my own film company to rival Warner Brothers. When Warner Brothers goes bankrupt, I'll offer to buy all of the rights to Harry Potter. Then, with that influence over her head, I'll blackmail J.K. Rowling with some embarrassing picture I find into giving me the rights to the next Harry Potter books. No…really… I don't own anything, and never will. *sob* 

Well, I hope you like it. Please review! Also, if you like stories written in e-mails, I highly recommend two fics: Naked Quidditch Match (used to be on gryffindortower.net…I don't know where it is now) and Albus Dumbledore's Inbox. 

And now for something completely different…

~*~

Forward: Hey, fill this out!

To:     GredandForge-SecondgenorationMarauders@WWW.com        

CC:    Boy-Who-Lived-five-times81@phoenix.com

From: KingWeasley95@quidditch.com

Fill this out, and forward it to two more people, and then to the person who sent it to you.

Your Full Name:

Ronald Weasley 

Your Birthdate:

_March 5, 1981_

Your Favorite Color:

Red and gold, for obvious reasons 

Your best friend(s):

Hermione and Harry 

Your siblings:

_Ginny, George, Fred, Percy, (though I think I might disown him) Bill, and Charlie._

Your Parents names: 

Molly and Arthur 

Which one of your parents proposed?

_Um… I think it was my dad._

Who's your favorite sibling?

I'd have to say Bill, because he's the nicest to me. No offence to anyone, but Ginny's a girl, Fred and George prank me sometimes, Percy's a git, and Charlie… well, I don't see much of him.

What was the most embarrassing thing you have ever asked your parents?

Once I asked them where baby's come from.

What's your deepest secret?

That I'm afraid of spiders, but everyone knows that.

Who are you sending this to?

Fred, George, and Harry 

Who do you have a crush on?

_Gee… look at the time!_

Does he/she know?

I don't think so.

Name all of the people you've dated.

_…_

Name the person you would be least likely to date:

Um… Ginny? Snape? Harry? Dumbledore? 

Which is your favorite subject at school?

DADA… when we have a good teacher.

What do you think of all of your teachers?

Snape is an evil git who is biased towards Slytherin.

_McGonagall's a little strict, but she's ok. She loves the Gryffindor Quidditch team._

_Trelawney is a fraud. _

_Umbridge is an evil Ministry worker who hates Harry._

_Moony is the best DADA teacher we've ever had._

_Flitwick and Sprout are ok._

_Quirrel and Moody seemed nice, but they weren't really what they looked like._

_Dumbledore's my idol. He really likes Harry, and he's the greatest Headmaster that Hogwarts has ever had._

_Lockheart is an arrogant guy who's lost his memory… *cough wasn't me…cough*_

Do you curse a lot?

Hell, yeah! 

What do you think is your best friend's biggest secret?

Um… Hermione, I don't know 

_Harry…well, we know what happened with him and Cho._

Where are the people you know right now?

Harry: the Dursleys… I wish he were here

Hermione: Her house… I wish she was here too

George, Fred, Mum, Dad, and Ginny: Here

Bill: Gringotts

Charlie: Romania

Percy: He's probably sleeping with the Minister right about now.

Professor Dumbledore: Actually, I don't know where the headmaster goes over the summer… does he stay at Hogwarts? He's probably out buying some more lemon drops.

Voldemort: I wish I knew!

Where are you right now?

I'm at the Burrow, in my room, on my computer.

What is the room you're in decorated and furnished with?

Well, the walls are all orange with posters of the Chudly Cannons, and I've got a bed, a dresser, and a desk. Right now, my schoolbooks and homework are scattered over the floor… I bet Mum's going to make me clean my room.

Who do you think will respond first to this e-mail?

Harry; the twins are probably working on something else 

Who do you think you would least likely send this e-mail to?

Um…Professor Dumbledore or Snape…or Voldemort

Send this to one of them.

No, thanks. I'll have Harry or one of the twins to that, if they dare! Plus, I don't have their e-mail addresses!

If you have any advice for people you're sending this to, write it now.

Harry: Um… don't let the Dursleys get you down.

Fred and George: Don't prank me, ever again!

What is your long-term goal?

To survive Hogwarts and become an Auror?

What would you like to do right now, if you could?

Save Harry from the Dursleys, and then go play Quidditch.

What do you think your friends would want you to change if you could change one thing about you?

Um…I don't know—my fear of spiders?

What is your favorite quote?

The Chudly Cannons Rock!

Three things you would wish for if you had the chance:

Harry to come here

Voldemort to be dead

Percy to get caught snogging the Minister

~*~

Well, for a first chapter it was ok. There should be more chapters, but they just might not show up, so I left instructions at the top for how to get to them.

Please review! 


	2. Fred and George

A/N: I know, the first chapter was lame, but it will get better. Some of the italics on the first chapter didn't turn out too well, so hopefully they will work this time. 

Forward: Hey, fill this out!

To:           WeasleyMum32@mum.com

            PerfectPeevesy@ghosts.net      

            PrefectsHavePower@Ministry.com

From:     GredandForge-SecondgenorationMarauders@WWW.com    

Fill this out, and forward it to two more people, and then to the person who sent it to you.

Your Full Name:

Gred and Forge Weasley 

Your Birth date:

_April 23, 1978_

Your Favorite Color:

Red, Gold, and Purple 

Your best friend(s):

Lee Jordan 

Your siblings:

_Ginny, Ron, Bill, and Charlie._

Your Parents names: 

Molly and Arthur 

Which one of your parents proposed?

_Yeah, it was dad. Mum fainted right after she took the ring- we've heard the story several times_

Who's your favorite sibling?

My twin~! LOL!

What was the most embarrassing thing you have ever asked your parents?

We've learned that everything you've always wanted to know but been afraid and embarrassed to ask, you ask Snape.

What's your deepest secret?

Why would we tell you that?

Who are you sending this to?

Mum, Bill, Charlie, and Percy. 

Who do you have a crush on?

_No one_

Does he/she know?

What kind of stupid question is that?

Name all of the people you've dated.

_……_

Name the person you would be least likely to date:

_Ron, my twin, Ginny, Mum, Bill, Charlie_

Which is your favorite subject at school?

Pranking!

What do you think of all of your teachers?

Snape is an evil git who is biased towards Slytherin.

_McGonagall is strict, but I've seen her break a few rules before_

_Umbridge banned us from playing Quidditch, and since we're sending this to mum, we won't write what we think of her._

_Remus was the coolest_

Do you curse a lot?

Of course! We used the bat-boogey hex on Snape… 

What do you think is your best friend's biggest secret?

_Lee—He planted his tarantula in the girls' rooms once._

Where are the people you know right now?

Harry: those muggles' house

Hermione: where ever she lives

Ron, Mum, Dad, and Ginny: Here

Bill: Gringotts

Charlie: Romania

Percy: Either sleeping with the minister or buying him flowers and chocolates

Where are you right now?

We're here. That's all you need to know.

What is the room you're in decorated and furnished with?

Um… not much, just a couple beds and stuff… but there are scorch marks on the walls, floor, and ceiling from our pranks

Who do you think will respond first to this e-mail?

Mum

Who do you think you would least likely send this e-mail to?

I'm all for Harry sending this to Snape!

Send this to one of them.

Harry, if you please?

If you have any advice for people you're sending this to, write it now.

Mum: WAZZZUP?!?!

What is your long-term goal?

To have our successful joke shop. 

What would you like to do right now, if you could?

Um… prank someone?

What do you think your friends would want you to change if you could change one thing about you?

They would be begging on their knees for us to stop pranking them!

Favorite Quote:?

We must agree:

"Give her hell from us, Peeves" simply tops the charts!

Three things you would wish for if you had the chance:

Become famous jokers

Meet the Marauders

Give Umbridge a little more hell

~*~ 

Like? There's more coming. Next up is Harry, then Snape. That's all I'm posting for today.

Review! You see that blue button down there? Good.


	3. Harry

A/N: Here's chapter three… now it's starting to get interesting.

~*~

Forward: Hey, fill this out!

To:           Bookworm03@books.net

            AllPottersBelonginHell@DE.net

            ImmortialVoldemort@DE.net

            BarmyOldCouger@phoenix.com

From:               Boy-Who-Lived-five-times@phoenix.com

Fill this out, and forward it to two more people, and then to the person who sent it to you.

Your Full Name:

Harry James Potter 

Your Birth date:

_July 31, 1980_

Your Favorite Color:

Gryffindor colors, of course! 

Your best friend(s):

Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Hagrid 

Your siblings:

_Er… what siblings?_

Your Parents names: 

Lily and James Potter 

Which one of your parents proposed?

_Um… I don't know… I'll have to ask Remus_

Who's your favorite sibling?

Um… Mickey Mouse.

What was the most embarrassing thing you have ever asked your parents?

I've never asked them anything to my knowledge.

What's your deepest secret?

I looked into Snape's memory once. 

By the way, Snape, I hate your guts sooo much! The whole Department of Mysteries thing was your fault!

Who are you sending this to?

Hermione, Snape *evil grin* Voldemort *even more evil grin* and Dumbledore (Sorry for wasting your time, headmaster, I was dared to)

Who do you have a crush on?

_I did have one on Cho, but that's long gone. She cries too much._

Does he/she know?

She did. 

Name all of the people you've dated.

_Cho._

Name the person you would be least likely to date:

_Snivellus or Voldemort._

Which is your favorite subject at school?

Defense Against the Dark Arts when Remus is teaching!

What do you think of all of your teachers?

_Snape and I have mutual feelings of dislike… if you want to call the ocean a little wet…_

_Trelawney seems like a fraud, but she's not._

_McGonagall is good._

_Remus was the best DADA teacher we ever had! Professor Dumbledore, can he come back and teach again? We don't care that he's a werewolf._

_Hagrid is one of my best friends_

Do you curse a lot?

Not really… just when I'm in a bad mood, and people aren't telling me things. 

What do you think is your best friend's biggest secret?

_Ron's afraid of spiders._

Where are the people you know right now?

Ron is at the burrow, along with most of his brothers and sister.

Percy… I don't know what's going on with him.

I imagine the teachers are at Hogwarts

Hermione is at her house, I guess

The Order is at Headquarters

Where are you right now?

Hell… Privet Drive… what's the difference?

What is the room you're in decorated and furnished with?

Nothing whatsoever. I've got a bed and a window. That's about it. I have to hide my schoolbooks under a loose floorboard.

Who do you think will respond first to this e-mail?

Hermione…or Professor Dumbledore

Who do you think you would least likely send this e-mail to?

Well, I'm sure no one expected me to send it to the headmaster, the potions teacher, or Voldemort, but look what I'm doing now!

Send this to one of them.

I am.

If you have any advice for people you're sending this to, write it now.

Snape: excuse me, professor, but: GO TO HELL!

Voldemort: GO TO HELL, and leave me alone!

Professor Dumbledore: When can I go to headquarters?

What is your long-term goal?

To… well, I can't say it, because of certain persons I'm sending this to, … I'll just say to become an Auror.

What would you like to do right now, if you could?

Jump in the veil

What do you think your friends would want you to change if you could change one thing about you?

They would want me to get rid of my 'love of playing the hero'.

Favorite Quote:?

I like 'Gred and Forge's' quote, but I'm gonna say that my favorite would be:

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" 

I also like what Professor Dumbledore once told me:

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

Three things you would wish for if you had the chance:

Voldemort to stop trying to kill me *key word there is TRYING*

People to stop calling me the boy-who-lived

Sirius to come back

~*~

Ok, the last for today is Snape. Please review!


	4. Severus Snape

A/N: Well, here you go. More will come later. I will try and update as soon as I can, but I'm not sure when that will be. I hope you like it. By the way, did you know that A year and three days ago, we were first told of the release date of Order of the Phoenix? Can you remember what you were doing that day? I just remember being sooooo excited! I e-mailed my friend and told her, and we were insane! Anyway, read on!

~*~

Forward: Hey, fill this out!

To: ImmortialVoldemort@DE.net

      Boy-Who-Lived-five-times@phoenix.com

      BarmyOldCouger@phoenix.com

From: 

AllPottersBelonginHell@DE.net

Fill this out, and forward it to two more people, and then to the person who sent it to you.

At the insistence of the rest of the headmaster, I have been forced to fill this out. Suffer my wrath.

Also, I must inform you that I am not responsible for any harsh, rude, mean, or profane comments issued at Potters, and you must read at your own risk 

Your Full Name:

Severus Samuel Snape 

Your Birthdate:

_October 4. I will not tell you the year, thank you._

Your Favorite Color:

Silver and Green. *sneer* You expected less? 

Your best friend(s):

I have no use for such childish friendships 

Your siblings:

_Samantha Snape. My parents had an obsession for alliterations._

Your Parents names: 

Adam and Christina Snape 

Which one of your parents proposed?

_I do not know, nor care._

Who's your favorite sibling?

Well, gee… out of a choice of one, I'd have to say Samantha

What was the most embarrassing thing you have ever asked your parents?

I learned long ago never to question my parents

What's your deepest secret?

You actually think that I'm going to disclose this information?

Who are you sending this to?

_Dumbledore, Potter, and Master._

Who do you have a crush on?

_none of your business!_

Does he/she know?

Sadly, she never did. I regret not telling her. She never found out, and it's too late to tell her now, because she'd dead. Besides, she never liked me… though we never expected her to like that arrogant jerk either.

Name all of the people you've dated.

_No comment._

Name the person you would be least likely to date:

_*sneer* Potter_

Which is your favorite subject at school?

Potions, of course. What else?

What do you think of all of your teachers?

_I have no teachers anymore. I am a teacher. And five points each from Potter, Weasley, Weasley, and Weasley. I don't care if the last two Weasleys left school already, I'm still taking points!_

Do you curse a lot?

What do you think? 

What do you think is your best friend's biggest secret?

_See above- I have no friends_

Where are the people you know right now?

Dumbledore is at Hogwarts

Master is… well, of course I'm not going to tell you that!

Potter: Who really cares? I have heard that Potter is at his relatives' house.

Where are you right now?

Hogwarts dungeons

What is the room you're in decorated and furnished with?

The usual: a desk, potions  in jars

Who do you think will respond first to this e-mail?

Dumbledore. 

Who do you think you would least likely send this e-mail to?

Well, according to many, the people I'm sending this to *are* the least likely.

Send this to one of them.

*rolls eyes*

If you have any advice for people you're sending this to, write it now.

Potter: Try not to fail potions again. Also, jump off the roof and fall to your death, if you can manage it in your spare time.

Dumbledore: Tell me again why I have to teach these idiot first years.

Master: When is the next meeting?

What is your long-term goal?

To watch Potter die

What would you like to do right now, if you could?

Take ten points from Gryffindor.

What do you think your friends would want you to change if you could change one thing about you?

Everyone would tell me to wash my hair, as Potter (elder) used to do.

What is your favorite quote?

I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and stopper death… if you all aren't the dunderheads I usually have to teach.

(I say that every year to the 1st years)

Three things you would wish for if you had the chance:

Potter to die

Potter to die

Potter to die.


End file.
